Text-photo: Ray Boone, PorcupineMerchant

“I visited and I did not like anything but the sarcophagus!”

That’s just one of many random scribblings left in the Tomb of Ramesses V & VI in the Valley of the Kings.

This tomb has been open since antiquity, and the evidence of that is everywhere. Ancient tourists left their marks — sometimes in Latin, most often in Greek. Usually they’re down low, but some are up near the ceiling, which obviously suggests there were spots where the sand rose quite high.

Some of the visitors were doctors. Others were philosophers or high-ranking officials. And for the most part, they weren’t only there as sightseers; they came as some sort of pilgrimage, as they believed the tomb to be that of Memnon, a hero in the Trojan War.

Which was obviously not true. Not even a little. But nearby, two giant statues were supposedly of Memnon — partially because of a singing sound they made in the morning. Don’t ask me how that story got started. I mean, I know why, but don’t ask. I’ll have to explain the whole thing, and neither one of us wants that.

Some of the graffiti is poetry, most is the equivalent of “I was here.” Someone would write their name and their occupation, and the most common phrase used was “I admired.” In one case, some dude’s secretary did the carving for him, and he just wrote “I admired” next to it. How lazy do you have to be, that you’re traveling around Egypt with your own personal graffiti artist?

Roman Holiday

It’s a little odd to think of Romans going on these elaborate vacations, but that’s exactly what happened. After all, they weren’t all that different from us. The wealthy ones would sail down to Alexandria, where they could see the famous lighthouse. Then they’d get a peek at the Pyramids, hop on a boat, and cruise down the Nile. Two of the Seven Wonders checked off the list.

Do you think they had some ancient equivalent of guide books? Probably — because all sorts of Romans were stopping at the Colossi of Memnon, which are absolutely covered in graffiti. Even the Emperor Hadrian visited. Then his boyfriend drowned in the Nile. But that’s a different story. Don’t ask. Why are you trying to get me off topic?

So you head down on this exotic Egyptian adventure, checking out all the sights, hanging around some awesome Egyptian festivals and drinking copious amounts of beer. And of course you’d go see those two huge statues and the tombs.

Like I said before, the Colossi of Memnon was a hot ticket item back then. Well, I don’t think there were actual tickets. It’s just an expression. Actually, there aren’t tickets now, either. They just sit by the side of the road.

These statues would “sing” in the morning, which we now think was the result of evaporating dew in the morning. The Romans thought these were of Memnon — they’re actually Amenhotep III — and due to him sharing one of his names with a name inside the tomb we’re talking about, the Romans decided it was the tomb of Memnon.

Now, despite the fact that we’re talking about a time over a thousand years after Ramesses V & VI, I’ve got to think some Egyptians knew the Romans were wrong. So why didn’t they correct them? That’s a good question, and I don’t have an answer. I guess if Romans are coming to your town and throwing money around, you just let them think what they want. Or maybe when an Emperor shows up, you don’t try to correct him. I probably wouldn’t. You just snicker at him behind his back.

Kind of like how I’d do if I met Jeff Bezos and he had some toilet paper stuck to his shoe. Am I going to tell him? No way.

The Entourage

“I, Ammonios, singularis of Italy, saw and admire it.”

With every super important official, there was surely an entourage. Like Bieber. Wait, is that an outdated reference now? Does Bieber still have an entourage?

So this guy named Ammonios wasn’t an official. He wasn’t a super important guy at all. Now, he was important in the military, as he was presumably a guard for an Emperor, but probably not the kind of dude who’d go on a really fancy vacation.

It gives you an idea of who was visiting these tombs. The rich folk, and everyone who came with them. And as I said, they were mostly respectful — well, as respectful as you can get when you’re scratching words into the walls. The bulk of the graffiti is placed in a way that it doesn’t obscure any of the hieroglyphs or other art.

A team from Poland did an extensive survey and found over a thousand instances of ancient graffiti in this tomb. But it’s not all just people writing their names and saying they had a nice time.

“I cannot read the hieroglyphs,” wrote one person.

“Why do you care that you cannot read the hieroglyphs? I do not understand your concern!” wrote someone else, right below it.

It seems that even back then, they had Twitter replies. I can just picture some Roman holding a torch, reading what someone else wrote, and thinking “Jesus Christ, what a moron. You’re looking at all of this awesome shit, and that’s what you’ve got to say?” So he hands his torch over to his buddy, pulls out a knife, and starts scratching a rebuttal.

Well…he probably didn’t say “Jesus Christ.”

Anyway, if you’re ever in Luxor I’d highly recommend visiting this tomb. It’s one of the biggest in the Valley of the Kings, and the colors are still extremely bright. It does require buying an extra ticket, but it’s worth it. You don’t really notice the graffiti unless you’re looking for it. And in case you’re wondering, Ramesses V built part of it, then he died and Ramesses VI finished it. They were both buried here. I guess old Number 6 figured it’d be easier to take over than starting fresh.

And like the spirits of those ancient kings who live on in the afterlife, my plugs for my Instagram @rayoboone will never die. I have some other tomb pictures on there, you’ll just have to scroll down past the Baby Yoda hand sanitizer.